attn: greeting card companies

I like sending birthday cards to people.  Handwritten, snail mail birthday cards.  (Call me old-fashioned, but I will never stop writing people letters.  I also still use voice mail.  But I digress.)  But sometimes, choosing the card is….let’s call it “interesting.”

I was at the drugstore today to pick up a birthday card for a friend.  A guy friend.  The birthday card categories were “for her,” “for him,” “funny birthday,” and “birthday.”  I started in plain old “birthday,” where a vast majority of the cards were either age-specific (none for 23, though…I can’t imagine why), colored in pink and purple, decorated with glitter, or inscribed with a poem so cheesy that I actually almost said, out loud, alone in the store, “What kind of wine do you have to complement this cheese?” (ba-dump-CHHH!) Nothing appropriate for my friend.

I then decided to go to the “birthday for him” section, hoping to find some more manly colors.  But then I realized that my friend is neither my husband, “sweetheart”, son, grandson, grandfather, uncle, nephew, or father…so there went that aisle.

I didn’t check “birthday for her,” though in retrospect, maybe there would have been something that at least had comedic value in there…

Finally, and somewhat begrudgingly, I started to peruse the “funny birthday” section.  My friend is not turning 149 this year, which ruled out 79% of that section.  Weirdly skinny dogs and crazy-looking cats are overrated, which ruled out another 20%.  And then…I thought I had found it.  It was simple but not boring, colorful but not garish or girly: a drawing of a colorful, vegetable-filled burrito (without beans!), captioned “Birthdays are like burritos…”  And I (foolishly) opened the card.  And OH MY GOSH.  NOT ONLY was there a fart joke on the inside, BUT IT ACTUALLY MADE FARTING NOISES.

Are you KIDDING me?!?!

I contented myself with a simple card with a three-word message on the inside.  Mainly it’s too purple-and-silver for a guy, but probably he’ll understand.  And probably I’ll print out this little rant and insert it into the card….I think he’ll like that.


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